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Maybe our hunger for control oppresses us more than any external entity could ever dream to.


Perhaps what's more important than winning the game is monitoring the effect it's having on you/the paradigm it's perpetuating and deciding whether it's worth playing accordingly.


What game am I playing? Why? Who does it turn me into? Am I having fun? Am I fulfilled? Is it even about that?


Hmm.


These days, I can't ask myself what I'd like to do without also asking myself why I want to do it. Or what childhood experiences may have put my on this track or that. My eyes can't land on anything without subsequently revving up the meaning-making machine:


What's worth doing?

What legitimate need triggers this urge?

Can a life limited to legitimate needs even be fulfilling?

But I should start there, no?

Be less dependent on validation?

Remove myself from the chase for certainty and control?


As the question doubles, the quest for objective truths becomes less and less practical. I remember that this is simply what the meaning-making machine does:


Scan for threats, ensure survival, repeat.


Reminded of this, it's a little easier to disengage. To Save Progress and Quit Game. I remember that these thoughts aren't action items, they're suggestions. That urge to resolve every image that flashes through my head is faint again.


False positives reveal themselves for what they truly are. I express gratitude for my meaning-making machine and its intentions shine brighter than the siren it loves to activate.


As often as it takes, we renew this realization. Suddenly I feel as liberated and as complete as I imagined I would be on that surface-level chase for control and fulfillment that I was previously on.



That's a start.





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Feels like the whole system has been rebooted. Progress has been lost for some. For others, the process has been cleansing. In chaos, I've renewed my appreciation for order. In the face of uncertainty, I've learned to lean a little less on expectations and plans for the so-called future. In a chapter that has left everyone asking what matters, I've found my answer:


Being.


The fact that I am is a miracle in and of itself. And while I'm here... being... I may as well make my mark, encouraging others to do the same in the process.


So what will I do with my remaining time on the cutting edge of existence? Will I succumb to the pressures of the rat race? Will I improve on the design? Will I do something new?


Time will tell. But for the first time in a long time, I'm fulfilled already. And what better place to pour out from?


Signing off for now.


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